I am the girl who loves so deeply she has panic attacks about losing people.
I am the girl who cries listening to both ‘Perfect People’ - Pennywise & ‘What a Wonderful World’ - Louis Armstrong. I am the girl who owns nearly every Tim Burton movie ever made.
I am the girl who was taken to a llama farm as a surprise 18th birthday present. I am the girl who is Miss Leyburn 2007.
I am the girl who sleeps with a knife hanging on her bedpost and knows how to use it. I am the girls who’s favourite Christmas CD is by Hi-5.
I am the girl who still believes she’d be happier if she got that walking dinosaur in grade 6. I am the girl who has two trophies to prove how smart she is.
I am the girl who swore at age 16 she’d write for The Courier-Mail, did so at 21 and had a book deal two years later. I am the girl who has driven around Mnt Panorama at Bathurst on her Learners.
I am the girl who has never smoked a cigarette or tried drugs. I am the girl who pretended to flash her boobs in a grade 11 film project that is still shown an her school.
I am the girl who once had second and third degree burns on her ass. I am the girl who will do almost anything to prove she’s not scared of anything.
I am the girl who is allergic to being touched. I am the girl who’s first crush was Jim Carrey.
I am the girl who has seen more football matches than girly movies. I am the girl who will one day know “The Raven” by Edgar Allan Poe off by heart.
I am the girl who collects snow globes from places she has been. I am the girl who had the courage to beat a dependancy on anti-depressants.
I am the girl who has been kissed by a dolphin and Michael Buble. I am the girl who believes in love and magic.
Last night I dreamed that today was my wedding day. Which is ludicrous. I’m single. But it was definitely today because I was stressed about the giant zit that I currently have and the interview with a graphic designer that I did have. On the morning of my wedding day. Turns out I can do it all!
So I was on my way to my graphic designer meeting and I was making frantic phone calls. I need to organise this, I needed to organise that. I had delegated people all sorts of jobs, like flowers, cake, food, chairs… This wedding was pretty damn impromptu it seems!
I arrived at the meeting (which remember, I did actually have this morning) with the woman I’d never met. She was very average looking with brownish shoulder length puffy hair. Kind of badly dressed too. I rushed through it and then had an epiphany! This woman was nice enough, I could invite her to the wedding… and get her to organise stuff for my wedding like every other guest was! You want to come to my wedding? You damn well pull your weight, it seems! So I sent her an email from my iPhone.
"Dear random lady,
You were nice. Would you like to come to my wedding this afternoon?
PS: I need a hoop underskirt for my wedding dress! Can you please go buy one and bring it to me?”
I sent this while walking down a street wearing Bobby’s wedding dress. Thanks for the loan Bobby, I guess that was my ‘borrowed’, huh?
I ran into Dad. He started talking about my ex. So I guess I wasn’t marrying him. Funny thing is, I have NO idea who I was marrying! Hardly seemed important, really. And I had a rant about the zit on my cheek and how I needed a make up artist but how would they ever cover it up?! Serious bridezilla behaviour!
So I found Bobby, Jess & Jessy on a street. I told them they were still my bridesmaids but I had given up on Sarah because she wouldn’t pick a dress. Sounds perfectly feasible actually. So I walked them to a dress store, told them to pick a different coloured dress each, asked them to text me pictures and left them there with a cheery “see you at my wedding!”
I went off still trying to organise a million other things, it was now about 5pm. I wasn’t excited or anything, just stressed about organising all this stuff!
Suddenly, I felt I was waking up and I cottoned on that this was a dream. But I really wanted to see what dresses the girls had chosen so I made a text come through and looked at it. It was a gorgeous spaghetti strap sort of satiny material dress. It was short with a scalloped hem and the lower parts of the skirt were covered in silver beading. A long flowy tulle fell from the waist to the floor with an opening/split over the left leg. It was very, very pretty! Bobby chose ruby red, Jess chose emerald green and Jessy chose sapphire blue. So very, very pretty!
So I accepted that I needed to wake up and check the time to actually get to the meeting. So I woke up.
Funniest thing was, when I got to my meeting, it was totally the woman from my dream! But I’m not getting married this afternoon. Well, actually, it is only 1.20pm?!
I wish I hadn’t found out about my anxiety disorder. I feel like it wouldn’t be as big of a problem if I wasn’t aware of its existence. I just wish I didn’t have mental health problems at all. Having these thoughts scare me so much. I don’t think I’d ever hurt myself but I’m scared that might change.
'Big Love'! (Or 'How to cheat on your wife & not get involuntarily circumcised')
Fact! I could never be a mormon polygamist wife person.
Fact! I am ignorant about morman polygamist wife people.
I started watching HBO’s ‘Big Love’. I’d never even heard of it until Kieran put it on the TV. We started at the start (a very good place to start) and after noticing Amanda Seyfried (my second girl crush, after Mena Suvari) I was pretty much coloured intrigued.
So the basic premise is there’s this guy who is Bill PaxtonBill Pullman Bill Paxton. Then there is three women. One is old. One is funny looking. One is a basket case. Ok, so they’re all basket cases. The third one is chubby. Better? So anyway, these three ladies all have something in common. They’re all married to Bill Paxton. (Bill Paxton’s character is called Bill (I believe this is the fifth time he has played someone called Bill (not counting himself or pretending to be Bill Pullman at an awards ceremony that one time.))) I know, right?! He has three wives!! Not just that, but each wife has three kids! And each kid has three cats! And each cat has three kits! How many are going to St Ives?! No one, but focus! All three of these women share the same husband!! The same freaking husband!!!
I could never do this. I am single right now. But when I do have a boyfriend, I get slightly maniacal. Not in an open or expressive way, but I seriously worry a lot that my boyfriend is bored with me, or wondering what it would like to be with another woman. Now imagine if this scenario were true and boyfriend dear just got up out of bed, popped next door and shacked up with other girlfriend for the night. And then other-other girlfriend the next night! NO! How do these women do this? It would drive me mental. I worry about whether I am #1 in a boyfriend’s life let alone #1 in an actual hierarchy of three women! Unless one of the women were called Thundercat… I could totally take on a Thundercat…
He also has sex with all of his wives. A lot. And on the nights that he is having sex with another wife, the other wives sit around… knitting, I guess? And the funny thing about all of this (and I am obviously only judging this TV show) is the women each seem jealous of the others when they have sex with the husband. Honestly! So umm… you know!? Maybe get a husband of your own? You could have one each! Ooh, what a novel idea!
Now in this show, they depict a family (I use that term loosely) stating they had a discussion and decided it was time to bring another wife into the family. A discussion!? As a family?! And then this husband (and I use that term loosely too) goes to his church and picks a random chick out and dates her. And dates her!! This is absolute madness! Who are these people?! I know these people are actors but there is truth and fact to this way of life. Who could possibly decide that is OK and why?!
And so this whole thing begs the question, where is these women’s self-respect? They can crow on about equality and freedom of choice and all that but seriously, until there is a woman with three husbands, I have them beat. And for the record, I would not be that woman. What in the name of Kuzco the talking llama would I do with three boyfriends? Don’t get me wrong, boyfriends can be super-awesome but I just don’t have enough spiders in my house to warrant three of them. And I can take care of things like rhino beetles and I even have my own little orange tool kit. I think one of the best things about boyfriends are when they kiss the spot where you kicked yourself in the head, but even I am not that clumsy…
So the original point of this post stands, I could not be a mormon polygamist wife person. I doubt I could even cope with a threesome… unless it was three girls… and there was definitely no spiders in the house!
DISCLAIMER: I don’t mean to offend any real mormon polygamist wife people but to my understanding, they aren’t allowed to use the Internet anyway… so, *shrugs*
I woke up this morning in a snow globe It was still silent palpable
My very world was in the hands of another
I felt that at any moment a lovers lustful torrent of passion might knock the mantle on which I sat sending me -my world- crashing to a moist oblivion
The glitter that had settled on the ground let me believe the turbulence of last night was over I was wrong
No one ever looks at a snow globe and admires the serenity The attraction of a snow globe is the power the knowledge that one can pick up the ball and create pandemonium in Paris chaos in Cairo lunacy in London
misery in my world
You always collected snow globes from the places that you have been
Do you know what actually makes me sad? I will never own a dinosaur… This is actually a thought that really does consume some of my time! I really, really want a dinosaur. Do you know, once, I was home alone and I heard a weird sound out the backyard. In the nanoseconds it took me to process what I heard, my brain decided that it was a raptor. In my backyard. Now realise, I fully believed this thought. In my mind, it was 100% fact. So I was super-excited. Like, every one of my wildest dreams had just come true. I had a raptor, my very own raptor, in my backyard. It was a tarp blowing in the wind. The sound, it wasn’t a raptor. I just thought I should clarify that in case anyone got over excited and started emailing me offering me money in exchange for my raptor before getting to the end of my story. So in the ensuing nanoseconds, I was imagining the new awesomeness that was my new raptor-filled life. Seriously, just imagine for a second, that you had your own raptor. I hope you’re as excited as I am otherwise I might just start sounding ridiculous. But I was imagining how to tether the thing, I mean I couldn’t just have it running around Brisbane. Then I imagined riding it around Brisbane, because it can’t just run amok around the city, but my raptor and I could totally have our own shenanigans. You know, raptors are OK under adult supervision, and I am a twentysomething. I was going to be famous for having a pet raptor. But the fame would never get to my head. I mean really, it would just be a way to pay the raptor feeding bill. Whatever that would be… I didn’t name my raptor. I didn’t get that far. Because it was a tarp blowing in the wind. I don’t have a raptor.